Namamekashiki ansoku, tamerai ni
by baby taka
Summary: Whats lost cant be born again. Is suicide really the proof of life? One life lost to another's guilty pleasure. Friendship lost, trust broken, hearts torn. Guess the coupling. Dir en grey fanfic of course. Involves rape, read more.


You sung in my ear quietly, as if you were trying to comfort me but in my reality, it only made me feel worse as I sobbed quietly and endured your rough and violent thrusts into my once pure and virgin body. I couldn't believe this, the man I used to trust with my life, with my heart and soul; my best friend. How could you be doing this to me? I trusted you and you ruined me, ruined my purity, broke me. And then I realized what you were singing... Namamekashiki ansoku, tamerai ni... My favorite song.. but when it came to the screaming, you whispered louder as if you didn't want to frighten but little did you know you were beyond that point. You knew I didn't like the screaming.. I shook my head, letting my hair stick to my damp cheeks as I cried harder. How could you do this to me?! I scream out louder in pain when it really felt amazing, sending waves of pleasure though out my slowly breaking body. Even though it was one of the best feelings I had ever felt, it was truely pain that I was experiencing.

I turned my head violently trying to make you stop singing. All it did was bring your attention back to me. You caressed my cheek and tried to kiss me once again and I turned my head the other way once again to make you stop, you slapped me again then went back to singing. I started sobbing louder which only made you move to my other ear and start whispering sweet nothings into my ear. You told me it would all be over soon and I would love it in the end. I shook my head violently and cried out loudly in pain which made you slap me even harder than before start and you began cursing at me. I went back to sobbing softly and buried the side of my face in the pillow. Why can't this be over now? What did I do to deserve this? The pain, the hurt, trust broken, friendship ruined because you couldn't take it anymore. You needed me, wanted me all for yourself because you 'loved' me. You said no one could bring me happiness like you could but you didn't love me, you wanted to fuck me senseless. Then suddenly you groaned my name and moved faster, causing me to cry out in pain loudly but you didn't slap me this time.

I knew right then what was about to happen. You were about to make me feel even more dirty, ruin my virgin body completely. Andthen it happened, with one last thrust you filled me with your sorrow, hatred, and pain. I cried out loudly, much louder than before but this time it sounded more like a horrific scream. Then you pulled out and stared down at me as you pulled your pants up and cleaned yourself off. All I could do was stare at the ceiling wide eyed, tears rapidly flowing from my swollen eyes. After you were done you bent down and told me how beautiful I was, how much you loved me and how sorry you were but you had to do it. Then.. you left.

I lyed there in my bed naked and torn. I felt so dirty and sick. You broke me beyond repair and there was no turning back. I silently cried myself to sleep as I thought why over and over again. You were willing to give up everything we had together just for a fuck. I hated you so much after this.. You made me hate myself. I felt ugly and dirty, from the inside and out. Thank you for stealing my innocence, taking my purity, my happiness, my virginity... I turned over and suddenly woke up by the alarm on my clock. It was almost five a.m. and I knew the others were getting ready to go to practice. I felt tears stinging at my eyes as I thought of them and reached under my matress and pulled out a small hand gun that I kept for 'protection'.

I stared at the gun as I thought of the others, about all the happy times we had together, about how all the fun times we had as a band. Then I cocked the gun when I thought of you. I slowly brought then gun up to my head, my hand trembling the as I whispered as if someone were listening to me.

"I'll miss you all.. Goodbye, Dir en grey, Miyu, my family." and with that, it was all over in less than a single heart beat.

The pain, agony, sadness, sorrow, everything. I gave up everything to be relieved of this pain you brought onto me. The horrid memory that would be burned into my mind for eternity. It was now gone but for a price. I lost it along with all the good things, my happiness, beauty, my life. It was all gone. No turning back now.

_nobody but me  
not for anybody else  
nobody else's way  
nobody else's dream_


End file.
